Bartering Bogus Barbs with the Brits

We were hanging out in the UK one night, I forget where exactly (as usual) but it was cold and up North somewhere. We were procrastinating the big "load in" more than usual on this night because the gig was at some pub up four flights of wooden stairs. It was a last minute gig; I think we were supposed to play the show and jump on the ferry back to Calais directly after the set. We wound up not even playing because it was running so late and we just didn't feel like bothering.

Some band that had the old Social Distortion bass player was supposed to play or some shit but someone else from SD had died so they were all going home, it was a big mess. I think we were actually switching vehicles; we were taking their van for the remainder of the UK leg of our tour and they were taking ours back to the airport and going home to LA or wherever they're from. It's all coming back to me now.

So anyway, we're hanging out behind this club all goddamn night; upstairs its smoke city, bad bands all playing the same goddamn Blitz cover, getting loaded and brawling with each other; down on the street the football game had just ended and people were everywhere; drunk, throwing up and making out, pretty much in that order.

These two kids started hanging around us and quickly decided we were drug dealers. We told them a million times that we weren't, but once the kids knew we were from New York they just assumed we were holding, no matter what we said; they just thought we were playing hard to get... what kind of dealer plays hard to get?!

These dudes were devoted, they just wouldn't get out of our face. They latched onto me for some reason and kept telling me they KNEW I had stuff in the truck, could I please just go get them something. They varied from hilariously desperate to just completely annoying.

Finally I went into the truck and into my red Jansport that I took everywhere with me back then. I took out 2 oval shaped crimson coloured gel tablets of Colace; constipation medicine. When you tour the UK and you're vegan or veg, you will definitely need Colace because all there is to eat is fish and chips - hold the fish. That diet will bind you up something fierce.

So I walked over to the kids and told them I did in fact have what they needed. The kid gave me like 9 or 10 pounds and I gave him the 2 Colace pills. I don't even know what he thought he was buying and I didn't offer any suggestions. He put a handful of cold coins in my hand and I watched him chew up the tabs into a milky white film on his tongue. It was gnarly. But the kid probably had a good high; we all know a placebo can be just as effective as the real thing, and he definitely thought he was getting some good Gotham City contraband. Not to mention when he got home that night, he probably had a nice cleansing sesh in his mom's loo. I hooked him up!

The two kids finally took off and that was that. I probably spent the 10 quid on the ferry back to France, I don't even remember. I just felt like selling these two wankers some bogus barbs.