17 May 2007

Do it for Johnny

Young, dumb and low on funds? I hear ya bro, but donating sperm isn't as easy as u might think. Before you optimistically plan your summer budget around your ability to stud, here's some stuff you'll need to know:

Other than government-mandated disease tests, donor requirements are driven by the disturbingly eugenic semen market -- 6' med students are optimal (sweet), while if you're a sub-5'10" college dropout you're best off continuing to deposit in your sock.

On the bright side, there's a chronic shortage of African-American and Jewish donors (if you're both, your Rat Pack membership'll make you a shoo-in). The money starts flowing after your initial offering's been quarantined/examined/okay'd -- some banks give $60 per sample, others $100. You'll be asked to donate once or twice weekly, for six months to a year -- partly to offset lab costs, partly to immunize you to pornography forever.

If $60-$100 doesn't make the nut, some labs offer up to $500 per sample if you give the recipient (and, eventually, your offspring) the right to meet you in person. She'll find your emotional unselfishness so irresistible, she'll want to make babies the old fashioned way, then walk away clean with your $500.

Hey, whatever happens, happens.

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