02 July 2007

Happy Mondays; The Weather Report

Spent the weekend moving in to our new bucolic offices in Brooklyn. And everyone at the office is happy today with a fresh outlook on life but don't despair evildoers, there are still plenty of things that bother the ish out of us that we'll be sharing with you today.

  • We're tired of weather reporters assuming that everyone loves the heat. This weekend the weather was simply biblical (as in beautiful and perfect not fictitious and woman hating). I caught the 11 o'clock CBS news and if I heard the stupid weatherlady and the femme anchor say "well, even though it was a bit cool out there today" once, I heard them say it a thousand times. Listen up arseholes, not everyone loves the sweltering, boiling summer heat. In fact, people are most comfortable when its about 72 degrees, like in a mall, or the early fall; climate controlled. Don't report the weather in this mournful & maudlin tone when its crisp and cool outside. This makes us happy! The heat makes us sad. Got it? Stop assuming the entire world is begging for a 95 degree day, because they aren't. Trust me. I don't associate the word "beautiful" with "90 degrees" ever (unless it refers to an oven en route to 350 degrees to make me brownies) so stop speaking for me and my people you meteorology school drop outs!

  • Another thing about the weather (for a guy who hates making chit-chat about it, I seem to have a lot of beef with it, huh?) At night, you don't need to tell me its cloudy out. It's night; it's DARK; I don't see the clouds anyway therefore I need not know about party cloudy skies for my 1:15 AM weather update. Am I an owl? A pigeon? A pilot? No. When the sun goes down, all talk about clouds should cease. Got it? Geez, do I gotta tell you guys how to do everything?!

  • Lastly, the weather reports are too long. Let's make some edits. You don't have to recap how hot or cold it was in ten different cities. No one needs to know that it was 72 in Newark and it was also 72 in Riverhead. Don't tell us about jet streams and high pressure things and fronts and things like this. Your report should take no more than 2 minutes. Come on the air with a smile, tell us what your computer predicts will most likely happen tomorrow, give us the 5 day forecast graphic thing with the stupid sun wearing those dumb sunglasses and lets move it along. When you're done with your report make no inane banter with the anchors; they are even more braindead than you. Just move it along, take a bow, curtsy, whatever; you are now done for the day. Let's do this again tomorrow, shall we?

  • Speaking of inane banter and douchechills: Watch the news tonight and see how f*cking awkward this chickenheads are, especially after the sports report. I caught Otis Livingston on NBC this morning (Today In New York 5-7am). He was talking about Vince Carters $61.8 million deal with the Nets. He said how Vince cannot officially announce the deal until July 11 for some NBA reason. God, I wish you were all there in my living room to witness this clumsy hand-off from Otis back to news hunk Rob Morrison. It was as awkward as two guys fumbling with a football covered in dog pee. The anchors are braindead and made more braindead because they have to read from cue cards all day like marionettes; theres really no way for them not to morph into talking head drones. I taped a show once where I had to read from cue cards and I swear not only did I feel like a robot reading someone else's rhythm of words but afterwards I truly felt braindead; like a deer in headlights or a hostage; it was a very odd phenomenon and thats why I can't totally blame these anchors for being as blank and awkward as they are. But the hand-off from sports back to anchor man or woman its hilarious; too hilarious to really put into words; the feigned interest and comprehension of the sports info is just classic. Trust me, watch it, its total douchechill heaven. And I'm a douchechill addict so I would know.

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