The Park Avenue Parfait

I skipped my oatmeal today. Perhaps later I'll venture downstairs for a Park Avenue parfait. No perhaps, I definitely will; the noix noisette iced coffee is actually the wild card.

Recyclables in clear garbage bags is quite voyeuriffic. Being able to view the content of a strangers', or an entire apartment building of strangers', garbage seems quite intimate if not violating on some level. I certainly wouldn't want anyone seeing my garbage! It's like reading my mail or rummaging through my laundry - plus everyone would know I tried Michelob Ultra and how could I ever seem cool thereafter?

So I looked at the fishbowl bags of other peoples trash, but then quickly looked away. I felt it was wrong; something I shouldn't be seeing; intrinsically, I was bashful.

Then I saw a pair of crutches atop another pile of trash. If that isn't a metaphoric anvil smash over the head, I don't know what is. Crutches in the garbage is like bad poetry or a large-print book.

So I finally got me truck back yesterday. Its nice to have it back, sitting in my new backyard. I can eat at my kitchen table and stare at it, longingly, as it begs to be driven fast. Speaking of driving fast, I can't recall if I told y'all about my speeding ticket...

I got a ticket a few weeks ago, I know I told you that. Even with the bevy of PBA cards fanned out on my dash like a dealers winning hand, I still got banged out for $140; Baker said I was doing 73 in a 50 mph zone. Whatevs. So I pay the ticket in full; totally forgetting about that urban legend where you're supposed to pay more than the fine and then never cash the refund check.

Legend has it that if you get a moving violation ticket for say $200, you should send them a check for $201. Then when they send you the refund check for $1, never ever cash it. Somehow since their computer records will show the transaction as being "open" they can't add the points to your license. They can only add the points once the transaction is complete. I dunno, I've never tried it but I would have had I remembered at the time. This myth reminds me of the ChapStick down the side of a Scantron trick.

So anyway, I pay the ticket of $140 and forget all about it; I assume my debt to society has been paid in full, case closed. Then the other day I get a letter in the mail saying I've been awarded 6 points on my license and some new law requires me to pay an additional $100 a year for the next 3 years as further punishment! I'm confused. I realise the city has to make money somehow but a $440 ticket for going 20 miles over the speed limit seems a bit excessive. I guess I'll have to take one of those 28-hour defensive driving classes to knock a few points off. Ugh.

Did I ever tell you about the time when I took my road test? I failed the first time because the guy was a total knob. I'm sure everyone says that but I know the guy was a dick because I took the test again a few weeks later and I definitely hadn't gotten any better at driving and I passed. So I pass the test. My instructor, Boris, drives me back to Brooklyn and drops me off. Naturally I go to have a celebratory bagel. I walk into the bagel store and the guy is behind the counter, licking the giant knife they cut the bagels with. I turn around, barely giving the bells enough time to stop jingling above the door, and walk out. I was mortified. But, I've been back to that place because the bagels are insanely big; the biggest in Brooklyn by a landslide. I read an interview with Penn from Penn & Teller once and he said a bug crawled OUT OF HIS MOUTH while he was eating some lo mein at this Chinese restaurant. But Penn says he still goes back because its his most favourite place. Insane. I don't care how big the bagels are; a bug crawls out of my mouth, thats it. You're off my list for good... or at least for a good year.

Speaking of bugs in food; one time there was a fly in my Pad Thai. No, its not a Frank Zappa song title, it really happened. It looked like a fly from Spencer's Gifts; it was enormous. I called the place and said "Yo, what the fuck!?" and the guy was very nonchalant, he basically said "Hey, these things happen. What do you want me to do?". I was so appalled I was actually paralyzed; mouth agape, like a silent scream in a dream. Amazing. And I was bummed out because this place had some good Pad Thai, but you put a fly in Pad Thai and its game over for you.

Well despite these gross interludes, my stomach is rumbling. I need my yogurt parfait. Have a good Friday, bitches!