27 July 2007

Sympathy for Engines

Every time I spy a fancy sports car stuck in traffic a small part of me dies. What the F are you doing with that car in Midtown? Why do you even own that thing... wait, let me guess.

Do you know that turbocharged engine is totally pissed at you? If that engine was a person it wouldn't be talking to you right now. Do you know how frustrated that Boxster is that you out of all people had to buy it! That Aston Martin engine was made to ROAR on the goddamn autobahn at 150 mph, it wasn't meant to inch down 5th Ave at 5:15 PM.

You don't hear it because you've got the AC and the Steely Dan blasting in that coupe, but outside we all hear your engine and its shrieking in pain; we all hear its muffled sighs under the hood; its crying out "SAVE ME! SAVE MEEEE!... give me bach to someone Yerman!"

These pinstripes buy these sports cars because thats just what you do when you have tons of F.U. money and wanna push it around but these machines were meant to FLY like BIRDS! Like an eagle into the fuuuuuturrrrre. And flying like an eagle doesn't mean that one little stretch of the Taconic when you do 90 for 15 seconds before you get off your exit and go home.

I saw a guy last weekend cruising down the main strip of my neighb pushing a Lamborghini. There is no way this car will ever do what it was built to do, ever. Not anywhere around here, and thats a tragedy and a waste of engineering. What the F are you doing cruising down a main strip with street lights at every other block in a goddamn Lamborghini ?! Yeah, I know, you wanna be seen, but do you understand whats under that hood? Do you understand what that car was built to do? It certainly wasn't built for comfort while sitting in lazy Sunday traffic!

Seeing a Lamborghini waiting at a red light is like seeing some yuppie couple shoving their kids into these new Porsche SUV's like its a fucking Volvo. An SUV made my Porsche is like non-alcoholic beer. I'll tell ya, Prof. Dr. Ferdinand Porsche is rolling in his grave right now thanks to those Cayennes. There is something seriously wrong when Porche's best-seller is a goddamn refridgerator SUV that goes 171 mph. It's like a Frankenstein of everything that sucks about cars today. Not only is it a Porsche, it goes 171 mph and then they stick that in an SUV. If you ever need proof that the world has its head on completely backwards, look into the Porsche Cayenne.

Old fast cars are dope. That's the exception. Even my truck gets pissed at me from time to time because all I can do is gun it down the Belt on a Saturday afternoon once a week. Luckily my truck is old and has Alzheimer's so she forgets that she hasn't gone fast in a while so every time is like the first time for her. But these new sports cars are like spaceships. You wanna gun that thing up the FDR and bust your axle on a 4 foot deep pothole with a racoon living in it?

New York is luxury. You got F.U. money? then buy a luxury car. Get a Maybach and hire your son's friend to drive you around but leave the sports cars to the Euro's. We ain't got the roads for them here!

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