09 July 2007

Sui generis, mofos!

"Well, I wake in the morning, fold my hands and pray for rain. I got a head full of ideas that are drivin' me insane."

Once and awhile I'll come up with an idea for an invention. I actually met with a patent lawyer about a few of these but I figured let me log them all down so you can steal them from me if you wish but also so that I can prove I thought of it first. Why not. Chances are I'll never get around to actually seeing these things to fruition anyway.

Those invention "hotlines" crack me up. I always envision some rube calling up with a brilliant idea and the operator going "Ok, thank you" and hanging up on them and stealing their idea. At least that's what I would do with an "idea hotline".

  1. The Knock-On Wood Key chain©: We could sell this item at places like Spencer's Gifts. This caters to the obsessive compulsive, the superstitious and those interested in becoming obsessive, compulsive and superstitious. So the next time someone at a party laughs heartily and carelessly exalts "Who me? I've never been sick" you can give them a "tsk tsk" and hand them your key chain. You'll be the life of the party and the envy of your friends. This one is a sure bet. Will make a great stocking stuffer.

  2. The Mastication Diet©: We'll definitely have to fluff it up a bit and rename it the Water Mill Fast or the Wainscott Way or something Hamptons related and maybe find a C-list celeb to get behind it. It's basically a diet where you eat whatever the F you want but you just never swallow. All the joy of food is in the taste, the chewing, etc. The act of swallowing your food is not pleasurable, its simply a function and the forward process of mastication. Once you swallow your food, the experience is over, the taste is gone, SO just spit it out and keep eating. Now, this isn't going to be a pretty diet but theres a tie-in for we can market fancy designer feed-bags. Get Gucci and D&G in on it. So when you chew up that steak or salmon or whatever, you can spit it out into a handy, fancy and expensive designer tote. This diet makes 1000000% sense, its just ugly and involves chewing and then spitting out your food, something we learned was gross when we were like 3 years old. So we need to unlearn that ish. A good celeb endorsement can make people unlearn and rethink anything. I'm telling you, this idea is a hit. Get a doctor to write a book about it, it'll be a best-seller guaranteed and it'll go paperback in like two months, tops. Trust me. If people bought the whole Atkins thing, they'll buy this fad for sure.

  3. Adjustable Baby Shoes©: You know how little babies feet be growing mad quick, right? So I'm designing a shoe that you buy once that will last you until the kid is 2 or 3 years old. It will involve a rubber sole and some Velcro and as the kid grows out of the shoes, you just put a new cover on the sole instead of buying new pairs of shoes every 2 weeks. Sort of like a Barbie doll with all her outfits you can change around and adjust. I'm still drawing out the schematics, but this idea is gonna blow the roof off the baby industry. You just watch.

  4. Wireless power©: Yes, I realise we've got batteries but not everything takes batteries. Say you've got a big floor lamp that you wanna put on one side of a room but you don't wanna have extension cords all over the place. BAM! You need wireless power! Plug the lamp's power cord into a tiny radio receiver which sends a signal to a main wireless sender box which is plugged into a wall outlet. It's basically like WiFi for your appliances or whatever. You wanna move your 600'' plasma TV to the other side of the room but theres no outlet there? Fear not. Extension chords are for the 90's. Wireless power is the future!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, I am good.

  5. Trunk Refrigerator©: I actually stole this idea from my best friend but she doesn't mind. This idea is actually brilliant and Dodge sort of stole it for their 2007 Dodge Caliber with its glove compartment cooler system. But her idea was for the trunk. Say you bought some ice cream or something perishable but you don't feel like running home to throw it in your freezer... fear not! The trunk refrigerator is here. I envision the trunk to be lined with that silver stuff in those padded lunch bag things. There's a switch on the dashboard. Load your groceries in the trunk and drive around for 8 hours if you want, it'll all stay cool in the back with your Trusty Trunk Refrigerator. We can use the same AC lines that cool the car, just send a pipe to the trunk. This idea is brilliant and perfect for soccer moms on the run!

So, yeah. If anyone out there is a patent agent or attorney get in touch and we'll do lunch. I actually have patents pending on a few of these ideas so in reality, you can't steal them from me without retaliation from my battalion of starving lawyers with overdue car payments but I thought I'd be nice and share with the class today.

Sui generis, mofos!

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