13 September 2007

Wanted: Dudes to form Bay Area Thrash Band

We are gonna play fast, thrash metal... sweeping arpeggios, all that shit. We're gonna play a toxic high octane version of Bay Area Trash Metal... circa 1987-1990 San Francisco, California.

We're gonna wear wrap around sunglasses and tight TIGHT fucking black jeans... and we are going to shred. There will be sweep picking, legato phrasing, alternate picking, string skipping, and two-hand tapping. We will work the crowd into a toxic frenzy.

We will model ourselves after Steve Souza-era Exodus. This is non-negotiable. Our pants are going to be so tight that it will look like they were spray painted on. Can you drum like fucking John Tempesta? Then shoot me an email.

Our look is going to be very important, fuck the music, that's the easy part.

We will have 2 uniforms.

One will be the serious rock outfit. Leather MC jackets or black denim jackets, cut off sleeve black t-shirts, skin tight black Lee© jeans and white sneakers - preferably hi-tops with thick fat tongues yanked up and out, shoelaces tied unbearably tight. There will be spot checks. While in this main uniform, we'll only be photographed in cemeteries or bars and when we're at a bar we will ONLY drink Jack Daniels.

The second uniform will be our toxic neon ensemble where we will don neon frame sunglasses, tiger striped (or any animal print) Zubaz or Skidz, baseball team t-shirts are fine, too, but neon is preferred as is anything Oakland Raiders. And when we're in this uniform we will ONLY drink Budweiser out of cans.

Pay attention, there will be a test. If you're interested, hit me up and lets shred.


Anonymous said...

fuck you assclown, you dont know the first thing about thrash. go choke on cock or play dress up or whatever the hell your doing when your not choking on semen. "two uniforms"? you fucking beefsmoker.

Anonymous said...

You are the biggest poser ive ever seen!!! Two uniforms WTF!!!!??!?!?!?!?! Go play with barby dolls or whatever you do in your sparetime and leave thrash to the thrashers....

Anonymous said...

I dont know whats funnier, the original post "shoelaces tied unbearably tight" or the fact that these two morons were offended by it.


Anonymous said...

It is kind of tiring listening to new jack hipsters comment about the endless hilarity of early thrash/death metal. The same people who were jocking shit indie rock and white underground hip hop five years ago are all of a sudden metal experts in the ironic sense, now that it's in vogue. Thanks, adult swim.

Gotham City Insider said...

I certainly hope you aren't referring to me, young lad.

I'm a fan of all music and have always been. From Exodus to Interpol. From Cannibal Corpse to The Rapture. I've never been a metal head or a hipster. But thanks for stopping by!

Oh and I especially HATE Adult Swim!