03 October 2007

Confessions of a komplete coffee hypocrite

God, I've been talking a lot of shit on Starbucks lately. I guess it has been on my mind so much that over the past week or so I've sort of automatically and mindlessly wandered into two different locations and ordered myself a goddamn venti vanilla latte!

I always feel like such an asshole just ordering it. How can you not? They've made it that way. The act of simply placing your order has this sort of air of pomposity; and don't think this is some sort of coincidence. It's all been planned out very carefully and psychologically. Ordering something that sounds fancy will mentally distract/justify the $5 you just paid for a hot cup of water. These people are the geniuses, we are the idiots, K?

So then the cashier (or whatever they're being called now - wampum collectors?) has to call it out to the stupid "barista" and I get douchechills all over again!

Its kinda like going to the supermarket for your girls tampons and they have to call it out on the loudspeaker for a price check - that old gag.

It's bad enough I'm in there, guilty as charged; now I just wanna get out.

Perhaps I'll pretend its a bank robbery and I'll write down what I want on a napkin and slide it to the cashier. "No funny business. Don't scream. Don't yell. Gimme a venti vanilla latte. Fast."

I must also admit "the holidays" are a very vulnerable time for me with The Starbucks because I am a total sucker for their eggnog, gingerbread and pumpkin latte concoctions. I fell in love with those on tour.

Now, Dunkin Donuts still makes better straight up coffee (and I'll take diner or coffee cart coffee over them all), but when you're going for those pompous latte concoctions, it is with great shame I must admit, Starbucks doesn't do a bad job.

That is why I stand before you guilty as charged: A total coffee hypocrite.

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