Naked Lunch: Strange Foods and Errant Boobs

I can appreciate Las Vegas and what it stands for; Man's Ruin, temptation and sin, Sodom and Gomorrah... all that good shit. All your vices in one place. I get it. I respect its lure and its psychological power of depravity.

I've seen many good men unravel within those 4,000 square miles in the middle of the desert. People lose their minds out there. I've seen it happen; I've seen that unforgettable fire of desire in their eyes and knew it was time to leave. The point of no return when dudes start renting yellow Lamborghinis and demanding an advance on their predicted take-home pay from a tour.

Anyway, thats not my point here. My point is that I never understood the idea of hot buffets in strip clubs. I haven't been to many strip clubs in my day, its just not my thing. Watching girls writhe for singles just isn't my bag. Having a girl on your lap and not being allowed to touch them? How is that fun!? It sounds like Chinese water torture to me. I've never understood that whole scene, honestly. I'm not playing the sensitive role here.

Why would you knowingly go to a place where plastic titted cartoon women undulate but you can only sit there and watch? It sounds very Catholic to me or some sort of religious guilt. Like have all your vices before you, but just sit there and be still. It's like vile and virtuous at the same time.

But wait, that is still not my point; bear with me, I'm all over the place this morning. I must've had some good R.E.M. sleep.

My point is: what is the deal with food and naked women? I think its sort of gross. I mean, do men love buffalo wings that much? Do we need to completely O.D. on the big game on a giant flat screen, a tray of Sterno©-powered buffalo wings and a giant plastic tit? Wouldn't the giant plastic tit be enough? Do we have to create this unabashed den of iniquity? Couldn't we have stopped at the women willingly objectifying themselves to Mötley Crüe's back catalog? Aren't the buffalo wings overkill? Perhaps I'm too pious to understand; not a real "man".


Mmmmmmmm...that looks Deeeeeeeeelish!

It's odd because I love food and I love sex, but I'm not into crossing the streams. And the idea of ducking into a dark dungeon like a derelict to watch girls dance while eating some room temperature pork fried rice is really disgusting. Perhaps its more the smell and the concept of depravity and LUST mixed with corn fritters and tapioca pudding?















Note: "Gourmet Food"

Perhaps its something deep-seated and Freudian within my subconscious. Perhaps its like the Hebrews with their separate plates for milk and meat but when I think "strange sex" or "strange women" I simply don't get hungry for lukewarm rib tips.


"Today we have a Plat de Côtes braisées à l’Alsatienne, which is short ribs braised in Alsatian beer and Riesling..."

And I've hated the smell of Sterno© since I was a kid. That blue goo; its like liquid napalm basically but safe for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Something about that Sterno© smell is just evil to me. Did you love napalm in WW2? Sure, we all did and now it'll keep your food hot while your guests do the Chicken Dance.

So the idea of a Sterno© in a dark club with bad music and strange, sweaty women? Are you grossed out yet? I am. The smell of a Sterno© is probably the most unappetizing smell, second only to human shit.


If you liked napalm, you'll love Sterno©

I just think some combinations don't work; not everything is peanut butter and chocolate. Just because you like certain things, doesn't automatically mean they should be teamed up as such.

Gambling, cocktails and scantily-clad women? OK, I can hang with that. But sweaty, strange naked bodies and a hot Sterno© buffet? I'm sorry, I'm just not down. And when seedy strip clubs boast of their "free hot buffet" its like a giant, flashing "Do Not Enter" sign to me rather than a bewitching Siren Song.


"Would you like to hear our specials?"

Maybe its like multi-tasking? Maybe the clubs are advertising their hot buffet so you'll think "Oh, well I can go catch a tit and have dinner at the same time. Perfect!"... Sort of like killing two birds with one stone or serving two prison sentences concurrently. And if this is the case, why not have strip-club tax preparation firms or live dancers & an oil change? Have your taxes done while Tanya Topps dances behind your assigned CPA? Get a new air filter for your 1998 Ford Focus while Misty Mountains writhes uncontrollably to Trixter? I mean, if it's all about the multi-tasking, I'd much rather that, wouldn't you?

I dunno.

In closing, I'm down with women and I'm down with naked women. I'm down with food and football. I am not down with naked women COMBINED WITH strange food, tinfoil trays and hot buffets in dark clubs. Call me what you will; I simply don't get it.


kryptonite !