04 January 2008

On Fat Joe

As I was tirelessly researching this story I noticed someone had e-vandalised poor Fat Joe's Wikipedia page. At least I think its been hack-edited by a hater unless Fat Joe does in fact hold the Bronx record for most White Castle burgers eaten in 5 seconds. Hey, what do I know? I'm from Brooklyn. HOLLA!

Fat Joe was raised in Forest Projects located at 156th street and Forest Avenue in the South Bronx. Fat Joe constantly got into fights due to his hunger tantrums and lack of snacky cakes in his system. This was mostly due to his immense weight and [sic] his breast constantly sweating and causing irritation.

He regularly sold crack and was a well known pusher around his neighborhood and throughout the 5 boroughs and was a regular at the local Burger King.

Fat Joe is also the proclaimed inventor of the lean back dance. Rumor has it that he once attempted the lean back at the club and reportedly broke 5 tables and [sic] severley injured a 19-year old female whose name shall remain [sic] annonymous.

Fat Joe holds the Bronx record for most white castle burgers eaten in 5 seconds. The records still stands at 35 in 5 seconds and also holds the record for chugging 9 gallons of Pepsi within 10 seconds

OK, so anyway, Fat Joe, like most rappers, has a myriad insane aliases; aliases which he normally refers to himself as in the third person, which is another rap phenomenon I'll get into some other time.

Fat Joe was born Joseph Antonio Cartagena but he is also Joey Crack, Bronx Terra, Fat Joe Da Gangsta, Boogie Down Bronxster, Coca, Don Cartegena, and Joe Crack The Don, among others.

My query is with that particular alias: "Joe Crack The Don".

Out of all the wacky nicknames he's given himself, I've always favoured this one most. But I'm not sure which way I'm supposed to hear it. And I fear I may be giving Fat Joe more credit than he deserves. Which is not to say Joey Crack ain't the man, cause he is, and I know rappers can come up with some pretty clever shit, but I just don't know about this one.

When I hear "Joe Crack The Don", I hear it two ways, depending on the inflection or the cadence of how it is being spoken. I'd really need to see it written down to know for certain.

Joe Crack The Don could mean two things:

"Joe, Crack The Don" as in "Joseph, won't you please be so kind as to open a bottle of Don/Dom PĂ©rignon for us all?"

or it could mean,

"Joe Crack: The Don" as in "Mr. Joseph Crack is The King; The Boss of Bosses; The Commander of a very large, criminal organisation."

I mean, these are things I think about throughout the day.

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