13 February 2008

Q: What's Worse Than A Weak Stream?

A: Nothing.

Earlier I was perusing Curbed and came across people complaining that "every new condo they like has weak water pressure especially in the bathtub/shower". Poor things.

Any time I've been apartment hunting this is one of the first few things I check. You've gotta turn that fucking shower on. Don't just look at it. Don't just stare at it and nod as the 19-year old real estate agent talks to you about the apartment being "close to all", but actually roll up your sleeves and turn that bitch on! Bl'ast that hot water and if that shower doesn't burn your skin off by sheer G-force, then it's time to move on to the next location.

That shower pressure needs to bl'ast steam violently. Don't worry if as g-forces increase brownout/grey-out occurs and your vision loses hue and you feel faint, that's the mark of a good showerhead! Trust me. Because not only do I need my hot water to be equal to molten lava but that pressure better be fucking brute and true. I need 20 gallons+ per minute. HIGH PRESSURE, HIGH VOLUME, and HEAVY FLOW!!!

Fuck water misers and gov mandated low-flow showerheads. This is America! And we demand a showerhead that can wash an elephant!

When I wake up in the morning and turn my faucets on, I want my neighbours to call the police thinking there's been a littoral explosion; like a fucking steam engine sleeps behind my mosaic tiles. Words like hurricane, typhoon, cyclonic storm, and tropical depression come to mind.

Power pressure wash motherfucker!!!!!!!

Some guys lift weights and drive fast, red sports cars to show off their machismo, not me.

You'll know I'm a fucking man when you step into my fortress of clean. When that fucking shower head throws you back against the wall like a little bitch. Did you get just get slammed by a fully loaded GNC Denali? No. You've just stepped foot into my thunderdome of suds!

Be prepared for the power-pressue wash of your young life. My stream is strong and long. You will know my courage and virility as you are doused in gale force, dynamic equilibrium, hydrogen oxide!

They say water makes up 75 % of the human body, well there will be about 75 % left of your face after you step foot into my situated tropical cyclone of shampoo and exfoliation.

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