16 June 2008

Repurposing The Word "Faggot"



From this point on "faggot" will no longer be a pejorative slur for a gay man. That shit is done. It's time to stop being so hateful and homophobic and get with the program. Enough. We're taking the power back like that dude from that band.

Therefore I am hereby repurposing the word "faggot". Faggot will now be used as a term for effeminate hipsters who don't hold doors open for their girlfriends.

I am officially done with these messy just-out-of-bed but totally contrived clowns with the regulation American Apparel zip-up hoodie and the shy sort of mumbling, stumbling, bashful and mousy cadence.

I thought that dolt Patrick Moberg would signify the death knell for this drawn out era of self-effacing sheepism but I guess it lives on not unlike a Bedford Avenue cancer.

I'll take the fucking Marlboro man over dudes like this any day.

I'd sooner be a Hooters hot wings & arena football connoisseur than one of these "watch me as I sheepishly play with the loose rubber on my old Sauconys at brunch" boys.

Now witness if you will my friend Angel and I at Beacon's Closet this past Saturday afternoon.

We'd generously decided to bestow these clowns with some of our non-ironic used clothing. We braced ourselves for our trip into the eye of the hipster tornado.

As I waited for Angel to get paid I witnessed a tall, lanky dude with his short, little, cherubic girlfriend crossing the street towards Beacon's.

First they were both nearly run over by a dude on a bicycle. Lance Armstrong started yelling at the little cherub while 6' 2'', 125 lbs. in flip-flops just stood there with his boney arms folded and said nothing; dude stood down to a guy in spandex bicycle shorts. "Strike one", I thought.



Later I saw Brangelina leaving Beacon's and of course I watched as cherubic little one not only opened the door but held it open so 6' 2'', 125 lbs. in flip-flops could make his exit.

6' 2'', 125 lbs. in flip-flops didn't take the door from her, he allowed her to hold it open for him and slithered out like a faggot.

Gents, I'm not gonna get into taking your hat off when you see a lady. I'm not even gonna get into opening their car doors first, pulling out their chairs, putting on their coats or waiting for them to eat before you begin.

Let's just focus on door opening. Baby steps.

If you're with your girlfriend, YOU open the door for HER.

Would I love to go through life having doors opened for ME so I could slither out like a Park Slope garden snake, sure, but I was born a man and therefore I must abide by the rules.

Start with opening doors for the women in your life that you care about and eventually you can ramp up to opening doors for complete strangers of the fairer sex!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you can do it. I have faith in you, faggot.

Thank you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Since the dawn of history names have been substituted for a person and over time they change into something else. The term faggot originated sometime around 1279 AD and didnt become a slang (neither positive or negative use since the person is the only one to take offense) word for homosexuals until around 1914 AD. And there are other meaning that use that word in 1591, 1700, 1785, and 1817 AD. The slang for homosexuals is is similar to a Yiddish word of the same meaning.

If you use faggot as a different word, then another will take its place. How about cessators or surceaseators?