06 August 2008

The Homeless Soda (reprise)

I'm taking a shot in the dark with this one but like every little thing in life, if its happened to you you can be sure its happened to someone else, too. Jerry Seinfeld made a whole career out of it for Chrissake!

And so it is with the power of subtle observationism that I give you, The Homeless Soda.

First, let me set the stage. My thirst is never quenched. Ever. If I don't have a giant 1.5L Poland Spring in my hand, then I've got a can Fresca in my hand and if I don't have a 20 ounce bottle of Fresca in my hand then I'm signaling the waiter to refill my girls ice water because I drank hers too.

And as an insatiable camel, I've unfortunately encountered The Homeless Soda many times over the years. I have little scientific explanation for this phenomenon. I have theories —well, I have one pretty solid theory —but that's about it. My claims have been backed up by friends who have also experienced The Homeless Soda and so I'm sharing my experience to assure you that you're not alone out there.

The Homeless Soda can be found in any busy, highly trafficked neighborhood bodega.

A Homeless Soda looks like any other soda. It blends in with the crowd but sometimes you'll get lucky and when you put that 20 ounce bottle to your lips you'll know, you've picked coveted The Homeless Soda. (For the sake of full disclosure, I've also had it happen with cans)

The Homeless Soda is called The Homeless Soda because the top of the bottle (or the can) smells like an actual homeless person. Unfortunately there is no other way to describe it.

The only explanation I came up with for the awful stench is that perhaps the clerks or whoever refills the shelves at the store must wipe the sodas down and maybe they use a wet, stinky rag and this produces the undeniable stench which mauls you like an Asiatic Black Bear.

Otherwise, aside from my smoking rag theory, The Homeless Soda remains one of the only truly urban mysteries.

Please, if you have any information regarding The Homeless Soda, do get in touch. I'd love to hear from you. You don't have to reveal your identity to help stop The Homeless Soda. Anyone with important information about a Homeless Soda in New York City is urged to provide me with information anonymously. Thank you.


PetShopBoy said...

The "homeless soda" is a result of busted product (when the warehouse crew or delivery crew throw cases and pallets about) that has saturated all the other products and been left to fester and spoil all over.

A good shopkeeper notes any cases with a busted product and refuses to accept that case....but sometimes its hard to spot. A case of cans that are layered, for instance, might have a busted can on the bottom layer and isn't readily visible for inspection.

I've chucked entire cases of product because one festering case seeped onto the others, causing them to reak.

Gotham City Insider said...

So THAT'S what makes that awful, for lack of a better description, "homeless" smell?!