The World Needs A Stronger Blog...: 5/1/08

16 May 2008

The world is way too interactive (reprise)

(I originally wrote & posted this last July. I'd been meaning to run it up the flagpole again.)

The internet has shrunk our world; it is responsible for a myriad good and great things; that there is no denying.

And I realise the internet is any marketing executives' wet dream. The very net itself is a virtual maze where you can endlessly click ahead to new realms and lose yourself in the e-hedges; enter a room as the door slams behind you, find your way out through a new door; a new path. It's an infinite "if this, then that" virtual world under your fingertips.

It's sort of like a ride at DisneyWorld; an endless chain of adverts really. Wait on line, build the anticipation for the wide-eyed tyke, ride the ride, thrill the thrill and then unbuckle your seat belt and there you are, somehow, dizzy and bewildered in the middle of the gift shop! How perfect! Such utter and shameless evil genius.

It's like some psychologists go to school because at the end of the road they wanna help people by researching the human mind for the benefit of mankind...

Then there are the evil psychologists. Somewhere along the way, on campus a guy hiding behind a bush said "Pssst... come over here" and they sold their souls to the devil for a good GPA and a new BMW.

The well-dressed, gold toothed cackling man hidden behind the campus bush seduced them to use their systematic investigation of the human mind to help make people money.

So instead of using their degree and helping the mentally ill or studying the human brain to make life better, they will figure out ways to get people to buy shit.

They'll figure out ways to trick people into buying shit they don't need; that pack of gum by the register, that magazine, that pack of batteries, the rollercoaster that spits you out into an aisle of gift shop, the commercial that leads you to believe you'll get chix if you eat these noodles and use this deodorant, etc.

That's evil psychology.

But, my point was that the world is way too interactive. Chances are your local garage has a website, your corner store or deli, too. Needlessly. I was making coffee before in the pantry and every machine I look at, has a website. What reason would I ever have to peruse the styrofoam cup company's artfully designed web page? Oh look honey, the company that makes the disposable "birch wood" coffee stirrers in China has a website, too!

Everyone is on the bandwagon, I realise its nothing new. I watch the news and they're referring me to their blog and their webcasts and podcasts and there are all these web addresses flying at me from every which way; everyone is interactively insane! It's too much. It's not enough they've got my attention on my couch staring at the screen, now I've gotta do homework!

Give me the story NOW; give me my news NOW; don't tell me to log on to this or that for this or that so you can ambush me with more adverts and contests and shit to click on! I just hate feeling like these people prey on fools and assume most of the world is naive and apt to deceit and psychological subterfuge.

I look under my soda cap, theres some hieroglyphics on there that I need to enter into a computer to see what they mean. Now Coca-Cola has got me doing data entry gratis!

I can't just unscrew the cap and see if I've won the prize; now I've gotta go home and log on to their website; where I will undoubtedly be inundated with more adverts and tests of impulse and whim.

More than likely, I will be so overwhelmed with all the bells and whistles on their website I'll either forget all about why I logged on or I won't be able to find the spot where I'm supposed to enter my 196 digit secret ASCII code to see if I've won my all expense paid trip to Disneyworld where I will undoubtedly ride a rollercoaster which will spit me out unwittingly into the middle of a gift shop with toys and stuffed animals all perfectly placed and planned at 5-year old eye level.

Oh, its a vicious cycle boys and girls... a vicious cycle.

whatevs

This guy says $4/gallon gas is actually cheap! He says gas has probably been far too cheap for far too long and that the recent price increases are only beginning to reflect its real value. Oh boy!

Timed to coincide with Bush wrapping up his visit to Israel, The Associated Press said a new Bin Laden audio tape is making the rounds but its just more of the same bullshit; his terrorist organization will continue its holy war against Israel and its allies until it liberates Palestine and yadda, yadda, yadda. It's getting tired, bro. Bin Laden should start releasing mix tapes instead and expressing himself through songs. A podcast perhaps?

While economists are busy trying to figure out precisely what a "bubble" is prices soar on every material from oil to corn suggesting there's a bubble brewing in commodities. Bernanke's Bubble Laboratory & the Economics of Manias {WSJ}

High Styles for Low Times: How fashion and luxury firms will ride out a recession: Burt Tanksy, Neiman Marcus CEO, says, "Remember, when our customers tightens their belts, it's generally ostrich or alligator."

Remember that whole "One Laptop Per Child" campaign from a few years ago? Yeah, well it basically shit the bed and now they're trying to get Microsoft involved to for Round 2.

BlackBerry & Verizon are readying themselves to knock Apple the fuck out the box. Today, the WSJ confirmed rumours that RIM (RIMM) will be releasing a touch-screen enabled device to compete head-to-head with Apple's iPhone. It will be called the Thunder, and will be sold exclusively through Verizon (VZ) Wireless and Vodafone (VOD), bitches

"Momma don't take my Vodafone
Momma don't take my Vodafone
Momma don't take my Vodafone Awaaaaay"

Viewer Poll: Why Are Frames and Framing So Goddamn Expensive?

It's four pieces of wood and some nails, right?

What am I missing?

This guy is happy because he makes a fucking fortune and no one asks why.

Yo, There Be Too Many Fat People Up In Here, Son.

Some British dudes (of course) are saying obesity contributes to global warming now. They did a study on it and everything. Dudes got paid to tell us that fat people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat. Dudes got paid to figure this out.

"We are all becoming heavier and it is a global responsibility. Obesity is a key part of the big picture", one of the London guys said.

They found that plump people require 1,680 daily calories to sustain normal energy and another 1,280 calories to maintain daily activities. Because thinner people eat less and are more likely to walk than rely on cars, a slimmer population would lower demand for fuel for transportation and for agriculture. Great, now people are gonna shoot at me with harpoons and darts and yell shit about my carbon waistline.

The group's next step is quantifying how much a heavier population is contributing to climate change, higher fuel prices and food shortages.

Fuck. We're fucked.

Very cool blog about hawks in New York City. HOLLA.

"I am ready to pay in cash."

The place where I trade in my hours for a handful of dimes runs a lil' intranet classified thing which I oft peruse.

Today, I happened to find the below listing. I also found it absolutely hysterical.

(click the ad to see it bigger, k?)

Not only is my man looking for a Video Home System Player he is ready, and willing, to pay in CASH. Cold, hard, wet, dirty cash. He is serious. A serious shopper. Ready to get it done. TODAY, if possible. Whatever it takes for that Video Home System Player. Not a VCR, but an elusive "VHS player."

You can tell this dude does not fuck around. He simply does not know the meaning of "fucking around". He works hard and plays harder. He eats fast and drinks faster. This guy is a machine! He's been in some pretty hairy situations and he's made it out unscathed. He's a smooth talker and a deal maker; a rain maker even. He's a numbers guy. Fearless and poised. He isn't afraid to take it to the very edge, the very fucking edge of insanity or death just to get the job done. Where others go the extra mile he is ready and willing to go the extra fifty miles. Steady hand. A card shark. Born with a poker face. A kingpin. If this guy doesn't come out in ten minutes, do not run in shooting, just run away. Because he leaves no stone unturned. He shoots to kill. And the ladies love him, too. Him and his VHS player.

What's Real? The Snake Mummy

Is this some Faces of Death bullshit or is this real?

I give you, the man-eating snake...

"The pictures below allegedly document a recent incident of a snake eating a person. The accompanying stories vary as to victim (local child, camper, or oil rig crew member) and location (South America with the snake an anaconda, Borneo, and Singapore). The snake is a reticulated python.

"The pictures below obviously are of poorer quality and detail than the ones above. The pictures above also seem to have been in circulation several years before the ones below appeared. The lump appears to be of a stocky animal such as a pig rather than of a person. The person's body has very little mucus on it for having been inside a snake. Those who keep snakes well know how slimy food items get, especially when a snake regurgitates. It's difficult to ascertain where his arms are; one of them should be lying right along his side, since they would have to fold that way during the snake's feeding. His arms may be extending up into the snake to open a path for his head and chest. The upper torso appears to be within a bag inside the snake. The python's stomach and/or intestine also seem to have disappeared. Most experts suspect that these were staged photographs, though I have to give the man credit for crawling that far into the snake. In any event, no news service has ever carried a story relating to these photographs … and it would have made a great story.

The picture below was taken in Malaysia and printed in a local magazine there. The reticulated python could not completely eat the person. An adult human's shoulders present a real obstacle to the biggest snake. Whether the person already was dead or was killed by the snake remains unknown. "

I Say the Darndest Things

I used to live on Taco Bell. We all did. A lot of bands on the road still do. We were all vegans or vegetarians and Taco Bell was simply (and often sadly) the cheapest spot with the most options.

Driving 13 hours to the next show with one headlight and four flat tires was never a big deal for us but finding vegan or vegetarian friendly food on the road most certainly was. And in times of desperation, and sometimes if we didn't have times of desperation we would've had no times at all, Taco Bell became a necessary evil of the road.

None of us would've been caught dead inside a Taco Bell when weren't on tour, but once we shoved off, it served as a last resort more often than not.

Depending on your confidence with the intelligence of the "person" behind the counter, you can create some pretty interesting meals by substituting this and that. But, it can get very confusing and frustrating when you get to your seat and realize your burrito is full of precisely everything you said to leave out.

The easiest thing to do is ask for the seven-layer burrito minus cheese and sour cream. (They actually have a minus button on their keypad, folks.) Also easy is the bean burrito sans cheese. If you’re feeling lucky and have some time to kill, go for the grilled stuft burrito minus meat, cheese and Baja sauce, but add potatoes. This makes a pretty serious burrito that will fill you up for a good 50-100 miles, at least.

Anyway, I am absolutely CRAVING a double decker taco right now. I haven't craved Taco Bell, like, ever in my life; its not unlike a prisoner craving jail food.

But I was just handed this file folder and it was a soft folder with a hard divider inside separating the documents and it made me want one of these really, really fucking bad.

Portions of this entry were hijacked from Vegan on the Road with Most Precious Blood originally published within the pages of Satya Magazine

They Shoot Dogs Don't They?

Last week, the NYPD gave the City Council nine years' worth of previously confidential detailed reports on the department's shooting incidents.

I know people were up in arms (read: disappointed due to ulterior intentions) that these long-sought-after Firearms Discharge Reports failed to reveal anything about the racial makeup of the people shot by New York's cops. There were, however, among all the statistics and analyses, detailed breakdowns of the breeds of dogs shot by cops! What the fuck?! We're shooting dogs now?

Standing on his fresh new 10 x 12 sopabox The Village Voice's Sean Gardiner conveniently highlights the fact that we now have detailed records of canine shooting victims but not the racial make up of the human targets and OF COURSE I understand his, albeit shamelessly pregnant, point but should we just glaze over the fact that cops shoot dogs like its nothing?! Is there not a story there too?! This is a total case of two people seeing a glass half empty or a glass half full.

The NYPD has always been very guarded with, and over last few years has clearly drawn a line in the sand when it comes to, divulging confidential information. Naturally some will argue what is confidential and what is not. NYPD Deputy Chief John Gerrish says that providing the stats on the age, race, and gender of each officer involved in a shooting as well as for the people who were shot is a waste of the NYPD's time and resources, because "no meaningful conclusions may be drawn from such information, since every firearms discharge must be judged in light of the unique circumstances in which it occurs, and any conclusion drawn from the purely demographic data involved is fatally flawed" and I agree with that 100% because it simply sounds like more of the same; people champing at the bit to manipulate OBJECTIVE statistics to bolster their own SUBJECTIVE fight.

That being said, and naturally for the sake of full blog disclosure!, I am an animal lover and more specifically a dog lover and even more precisely a pit bull fanatic and so maybe I am not as socially dismayed as I should be at this finding or lack thereof. It is very likely I'd step right over a guy dying from a gunshot wound to help a dog dying from a gunshot wound.

I'm not horrified we don't have the records of race for the cops and those they shot at; I'm fucking horrified that cops have apparently been shooting dogs like fish in a fucking oil drum!

Two If By Random

1) Last night I bought tickets to two different shows, both happening at the same venue. One show cost $65 per ticket. The other was $16 per ticket. How is this possible? This is not an SAT question. This is real life.

2) Would I have to once and for all hand in my already torn and tattered Real Man Card if I were to publicly admit that I wouldn't mind seeing the Sex and the City movie?

Sue Simmons "Personal Apology" Email; Don't Say Fuck, U Fuck

So yesterday the Post ran a big front page story about Sue Simmons being a drunk who liked to have a few cocktails, or five, at Jean Georges of Columbus Circle during the downtime betwixt her 5 and 11 o'clock broadcasts, clumsily insinuating that perhaps that was why Sue cursed on-air the other day.

Well today the Post's follow-up says Sue swears she hasn't swallowed a single spirit before going on air in the last 15 years - but before that, forget it.

Ironically Sue continues to say, "I understand now why many people don't trust the media". Sue is talking about The Post to The Post in The Post. A classic.

And now it seems an email (supposedly) from Sue Simmons has been making the rounds. Looks like a mass spamming made to look personal; all lower case and shit, yo.

Either way, who cares? Are we supposed to believe New Yorkers were genuinely offended to hear the word FUCK?! Gawker points out that Sue's email contact option on the NBC website has since been removed. Are that many people actually emailing her to say they were appalled?! Come on, New York!

The below was supposedly sent to Animal New York. Hrmph.

"hi,

i'm very sorry for what happened last night. i had no idea we were on live. i was playfully trying to get chuck's attention. unfortunately, i got the attention of thousands and many were not amused. i admit i have a potty mouth at times. never never did i intend for new york to receive an example of it. i can't take it back. i can apologize. i'm still very embarrassed today. i'm trying to answer each and every person thats contacted me.

i hope you will accept my apology.

thanks, sue"

Hmmm. That's odd because my email from Sue looked more like this:

"Dear Sir,

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP PETROLEUM (SPECIAL) TRUST FUND CONTRACT AWARD REVIEW COMMITTEE Appointed by the Federal Government of Nigeria to review contract Awards/Payments Approvals in the Petroleum Trust Fund (PTF). Our duties include evaluation, vetting approvals for payment for contract executed for the PTF.

On the 10th January 1997, the awarded a contract of $600 Million United States Dollars to the consortium of Abblummus, J.G.C. Corporation, Bouygues Offshore and a joint venture of Spiebalignoles and Fougureolle, for an engineering, procurement and construction work in Nigeria.

But some top officials of the organization over-invoiced the contract sum to the tune of $636.5M with the intention of sharing the remaining $35.5M among themselves. But due to the sudden proscription of the PTF by the new democratic Government, their effort proved abortive. But now that the Federal Democratic Government of Nigeria has approved the sum of $636.5M for the concerned foreign companies as full payment for the contract executed, and since each of the companies are entitled to $150M, we intend to transfer the remaining %36.6M abroad into a safe and reliable account to be disbursed among ourselves.

My colleagues and I have agreed that if your company can act as the beneficiary of this fund ($36.5) you and your company will retain 20% of the total amount while 70% will be for us and the remaining10% will be used to offset any expenses incured by both sides during the course of the transfer.

It may interest you to know that , some years ago a similar transaction was carried our with one Mr. Patrick Miller, the President of Craine International Trading Corporation of No. 135 East 57th Street, 28th Floor, New York 10022 with Tele Number (212) 308-7788 and telex Number 6731689. After the agreement of both parties in which he was to take 20% of the money while the remaining 70% was for us, with the payment approvals secured and relevant document signed, the money was duly transferred into his account, only to be disappointed on our arrival in New York, that he had changed address, while his telephone and telex number has been reallocated. That was how we lost $27.7M to Mr. Patrick Miller. We could not report the case to the authority due to its nature as being utterly confidential. This time, we need a more reliable and trustworthy partner with a reputable company's account to transfer this money into. Hence this proposal to you.

It took us expensive ideas and money to fine-tune all the preparations for this transaction to meet all legal and administrative requirements in Nigeria and those of International Arbitration as the modalities applied in the case of Mr. Miller have changed due to the incessant changes in monetary policies of my country. However, we hope to conclude this transaction within fifteen (15) days from the date of receipt of the requested information and commence the transfer of funds. Therefore, we require from you the followings by fax:

i. Your Company name
ii. Company address
iii. Bank name and address
iv. Account number and account name (if any)
v. Your telephone and fax numbers and any other relevant information you may consider helpful.

With the above information, we will use your company name to re-award the ontract, put up the letters of claims and apply for payment.

We wish to bring to your notice that the personalities involved in this transaction are Top and influential government functionaries who will not like any form of exposure and as such would want you to keep the business highly confidential. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free on both sides.

We are looking forward to doing this business with you. Please, acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the TEL/FAX NUMBER while maintaining maximum confidentiality. I shall bring you the complete picture of this transaction on receipt of your response.

Yours faithfully

Sue Simmons"

Young Upstarts 2008 Tonight

May marks the 6th anniversary of New York City’s annual Young Upstarts art show.

Originally created in 2003 by Danielle Distefano and Matt Greenhalgh to showcase New York’s young, up-and-coming tattoo artists, Upstarts has grown to include tattooists from around the globe.

The Upstarts show is intended to showcase current inspirations in tattoo design and culture.The opening party will be held Tonight, Thursday, May 15th from 7-11pm at Saved Tattoo in Williamsburg. Saved Tattoo is at 3 Hope Street Brooklyn, NY 11211.

Be there, bitch!

R U STL AW8TN STMUL8TN?

"Please Mister Postman, look and see
If there's a letter in your bag for me
Please, Please Mister Postman
Why's it takin' such a long time?"

Most all taxpayers will get an "economic stimulus" rebate of $600. However you don't get a check if you make more than $75K a year or $150K as a married couple. The phase-out zones that squeeze the value of the rebates as adjusted gross income rises above $75,000 on a single, head of household or married filing separately return, and over $150,000 on a joint return.

The rebates are actually a prepayment of a tax reduction that will go into effect for 2008. The checks are based on information on 2007 tax returns. (If you have your 2007 refund directly deposited into your bank account, the Treasury is supposed to try to direct deposit your rebate, too.) If you filed after the April 15 deadline, or filed for an extension to put off your deadline until October 15, your stimulus check will be delayed because you're a bitch.

Rumor has it that the ecostimuli chex are being sent corresponding to the last two digits in your SS number:

So if your SS ends with 00-09 you're check should be there on Friday, the 16th.
If your SS ends with 10-18 expect your check by May 23
19-25 May 30
26-38 June 6
39-51 June 13
52-63 June 20
64-75 June 27
76-87 July 4
88-99 July 11

Bravo! New Voice

Trumpets:

Here it is. The new Village Voice format.

It's about 10 x 12. It's adorable.

The world needs more manageable newspapers. Now that's a cause I can get behind.

Reading the WSJ or The Times outdoors or on a subway or bus is basically impossible.

I suppose the publishers assume whomever reads the WSJ or The Times are much too rich to travel by public transport and so those papers are not built to be read but unfurled inside the comfort of your marbled mansion.

"Muhahahaha look at me and my giant wingspan of highbrow news and stock quotes in the back of my chauffeured Mercedes S400."

So let's hope the WSJ and The Times follow The Voice's lead for there is simply no way to read those fucking papers cover to cover without getting into a serious wrestling match with what becomes a black and white boa constrictor.

Bawbwa Walters: Wanderer

In Barbara's new memoir, "Audition", Walters describes how hard it was to grab the spotlight in an era when serious news could only be delivered in the measured tones of the male anchor and not a woman with rhotacism and a slight lisp.

The Queen of the Cougars then proceeds to tell us just about everyone she ever slept with.

Reeeeerr!

The book's name-dropping is endless and forgivable. Walters, now 78 years old, did most certainly know, rub elbows and often interview many of the world's most (in)famous from Nixon, Anwar Sadat, and the Shah of Iran to Henry Fonda, John Wayne, Patty Hearst, Katharine Hepburn. She talks about being a passenger in Fidel Castro's Jeep on a wild ride through the Sierra Maestra.

And more than once Babs (its cool if I call her that) crossed the murky line between fly-on-the-wall reporter and participant in the news, as in her decision to deliver a secret message from the arms dealer Ghorbanifar to Reagan during the Iran hostage crisis beseeching him to keep talking to Iran and to send more arms if he wanted the remaining hostages to be released indirectly inspiring years of punk rock to come.

What man could resist that inimitable rhotacistic warble?

In the wonderful chapter entitled, "Special Men in My Life", we learn Babs had an affair with a former U.S. Senator Edward Brooke, a black Republican from Massachusetts. Oh my! Babs caught that jungle fever, kid. Babs was twice divorced at the time but Senator Brooke was most definitely married.

Senator Brooke: Unable to resist inimitable rhotacistic warble.

This revelation had the medias panties in a bunch though I was more intrigued by Babs' humorous account of simultaneously dating "Ace" Greenberg, then a partner in Bear Stearns and later its chair and CEO; and the "soft-spoken" (her words) Alan Greenspan, then President Ford's chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers and later the chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve (1987 to 2006)

Even when the men left their last names, her household staff was baffled, Walters writes: "Greenberg. Greenspan. They sounded so much alike that both ladies were in despair. When they gave me the message I could only ask: Which one talked louder?"

Oh, Babs, you devil you.

GreenBERG

GreenSPAN

We also learn that Greenspan gave Babs some bad real estate advice in 1977, advising her not to buy a 4BR Fifth Avenue co-op for $250,000 during New York's fiscal crisis! "So I didn't buy it. Today that apartment is worth at least $30 million," she scribes.

Neckclothitania: The 1818 Cravat Comedy

The famous "Neckclothitania" was published in September of 1818 as part of a satirical newsletter of sorts.

It showed some of the most popular cravat styles of this time. Some styles such as for example the "Mail Coach" were so bulky as to be almost ridiculous.

These guys have transcribed it all nice and neat for you. Enjoy.

Goddamn Droid Conducts Detroit Symphony

Honda's ASIMO droid conducted the Detroit Symphony Orchestra last night.

The Honda Motor Co. designed ASIMO (Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility) can run, walk on uneven slopes and respond to simple voice commands. ASIMO mimicked the actions of a conductor who was videotaped beforehand.

Droves of laid-off Motown autoworkers replaced by Japanese robots could not be reached for comment at press time.

Suze Rotolo has joined the ranks and thrown her leopard-skin pillbox hat in the ring with her own personal "I dated a 60's rock star" memoir, "A Freewheelin Time: A Memoir of Greenwich Village in the Sixties."

Suze inspired the songs "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" and "Boots of Spanish Leather" and Suze is the girl walking with a 21-year old Dylan down Jones Street on the famous The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan album cover.

Dylan was trying to recreate this famous photo of James Dean.

The famous Dylan album cover photo was taken in February 1963 by Don Hunstein. Dylan lived a short ways away at 161 West 4th Street at the time.

Read this at my bus stop this morning but Gawker beat me to it. Hey, they get paid to blog, not me.

Mon Boeuf Avec Terminal 5

Terminal 5 is a pretty new NYC venue. Its down on 56th street by the West Side Highway. I believe its the old Club Exit which was a thump thump club that probably didn't even open until 1 or 2 AM. What fun!

I recall passing by many times early on a Monday or Friday morning on my way to WNEW and I'd see these idiots just then stumbling out to hail a cab. At the red light I'd count my stars I wasn't them and blast 1010 WINS.

So I went to see The Hold Steady and Art Brut at Terminal 5 a few months ago. A friend of mine was in town from Wales and for weeks I'd been extolling the virtues of Craig Finn's lyrics. "You have to hear this guy", I'd say, "His lyrics are insane; they're brilliant. It’s like a reading great book with AC/DC in the background." Naturally, she was intrigued as I never speak that highly of anything really.

So we get to the show and it sucked. The band may very well have rocked but I'd have no idea really. The place is fucking ENORMOUS; like an airplane hangar with a fresh coat of white paint. There were lots of places to hide; like 3 floors of carpeted dance club, balconies galore but everywhere we went the sound was just atrocious; cavernous and mired by a nasty case of big club echo. We tried every floor and just about every corner looking for a perfect spot. There were none to be had. Sightlines, sure, that Terminal 5 has; its amazing for that actually, you can see the stage from pretty much everywhere and if some Thurston Moore steps in front of you, you can find a new spot on a different floor which is cozy and unique for a NYC club.

Now I see The Faint is playing there in August and I'm bummed. I love me some Faint. But I shudder to think what they'll sound like at Terminal 5.

The Hold Steady show was back in November so maybe its gotten better since then, I dunno. It seemed pretty new when we were there. But I left that club thinking this place was built to either a) store old 747's or b) store thump thump kids high on bad west side methylenedioxymethamphetamine. It was not meant to house rock concerts or bands with good lyrics that you'd like to hear. I wondered if Terminal 5 was named after Heathrow's Terminal 5 because it would certainly make sense.

I felt awful for the girl from Wales. Here I had dragged her to this spot on the other side of the world to hear one of my favorite lyricists and all we could make it was "Art. Brut. Top of the Pops!"

Lame.

Sue Picked A Bad Week To Say ‘Fuck’ On Live TV

I came into this world right about the same time Sue began her career at NBC and I've been watching her for as long as I can remember. I grew up with "Live at 5", Sue, Chuck, Jack Cafferty and the immortal Gabe Pressman. Sue and Chuck and channel 4 have come to signify NYC to me; its the only station I turn to for news. NBC, CNBC, MSNBC; so long as it ends with NBC.

Well, silly Sue Simmons slipped and said "FUCK" during a slow news week and now its gone "viral"; everyone is running wild with the story, pregnant with alliterations of course.

By yesterday afternoon NBC brass had yanked the now infamous footage from every viral fratboy prank site from YouTube to Break. And this morning I came across 50 different articles on a Google news search and naturally she's on the cover of today's Post. Point being, a slow news week is a bad week to act out and now Sue is the news.

Headlines like "On-air expletive raises question about Simmons' future", "Sue Simmons of WNBC Drops the F-Bomb" and of course "SILLY SUE A SALTY SWILLER, POTTY MOUTH'S 'TIPSY' ANTICS" are everywhere. Keeping in mind people outside the tri-state area have no idea who the fuck Sue Simmons is.

Apparently Sue was berating poor Chuck Scarborough, her strait-laced partner in crime for the past, oh, 500,000 years on NBC.

According to my secret source at Channel 4, Sue and Scarborough thought the spot was being taped. When they were cued, Sue read her line: “At 11, paying more at the grocer, but getting less. We’ll tell you how to get the most.”

Producers then cut to an image for an upcoming story about a cruise ship, a story which Chuck was supposed to read the narrative for but he was asleep at the wheel, thinking this was just a rehearsal - in fact if you watch the footage Chuck is looking down the entire time. At that point, Simmons basically said to her long time surrogate news husband "What are you doing?!"

And naturally now everyone is saying she's a drunk, she's a lush, she's an asshole behind the scenes, she's a diva and yadda yadda yadda, and yeah, I'm sure she is all of that. I've see the cat fight in her eyes when she hands it to her secret nemesis that spring chicken Janice Huff.

My source said Simmons most certainly believed the "tease" - industry jargon for a brief cut-in that promotes a later broadcast - was being taped. It was supposed to be a pre-taped piece and wound up live," my source said. "She didn't know it was live and blurted that out. Scarborough may have missed a cue, prompting Simmons' outburst."

I've always wondered what they did between newscasts because Sue anchors the 5 o'clock news and then has to chill out until 11 PM. Well apparently Sue spends those hours at Gallagher's Steakhouse and Jean Georges drinking cocktails, of course.

An anonymous employee at Jean Georges of Columbus Circle said Sue isn't shy about drinking with her meals before heading back to work. "She's been here and she's had drinks with her dinner," a Jean Georges employee said. "She's had a cocktail or two, yes, between shows, with dinner."

But that doesn't mean she was drunk when she said "FUCK" on air, she just didn't know they were live.

A former WNBC employee said Simmons - famous for her "mischievous" studio behavior - believed she was off air and was joking with Scarborough. "My impression was that she was directing it at Chuck, thinking it was his gaffe for not reading," Several other former Channel 4 employees, who praised Simmons' offbeat personality, said the anchor is famous for sailor-like swearing.

Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns {Gawker}

13 May 2008

It's Official: New York is depressing again! By Me, Published November 1, 2007

Some 'tourists' choose city landmarks for suicide By Jordan Litedaily, Published November 21, 2007 in The Daily News

Another Tourist Takes A Dive By Me, Published December 17, 2007

The Mysteries of the Suicide Tourist: Why the same things that attract millions of happy visitors to New York—the glamour, the skyline, the anonymity—also draw people from around the world to kill themselves here. By Phil Zabriskie, Published May 11, 2008 in New York Magazine

Bear Bankers Hibernate With Pay...

Until they get laid off.

By Arianne Cohen Published May 11, 2008 in New York Magazine

Don’t feel too sorry for the soon-to-be-laid-off employees at Bear Stearns: Right now they’re getting paid to do nothing. “I’d say 50 percent of my department comes in at some point on a given day, and the trading floor is empty,” says one of the thousands of doomed employees who’ll receive full pay until JPMorgan Chase takes over next month. The paychecks keep coming thanks to a convenient technicality: JPMorgan can’t fire employees it doesn’t yet employ. But it can notify them of the upcoming ax. “We’re informing people every day,” says JPMorgan spokesman Joe Evangelisti. Laid-off bankers will receive at least three weeks of severance for every year served, plus a bonus for sticking around till the sale closes. For now, they’re becoming spa swans and gym rats. “I take one call a week, maybe,” says the Bear employee. “Sometimes I have to, like, print something.”

Alternate side regulations changing in Park Slope?

To this day I have no idea what those street cleaners actually do. I think they should've gone the way of the dinosaurs by now as all they seem to really do is push the dirt around a bit and make the curb wet. Other than that I have no idea what real function these sidewalk Zambonis do.

I do know is that they are the reason many of us find our lives a living hell once or twice a week playing musical cars all while battling the kamikaze Albanian valet attendants. So now they're changing shit around in Park Slope? No Zamoni? People pitching up to clean the curbs themselves? What the fuck?

This is from the Brooklyn Paper:

"Alternate-side-of-the-street parking will be suspended entirely on residential streets in Park Slope starting on May 19 — putting a months-long end to the weekly hassle of moving your car.

The downside is that there will be no residential street cleaning at all this summer."

I'll bet you $5,000,000 no one will even notice a difference. Those fucking things are USELESS.

"For car owners, the alternate-side parking suspension is like a kid’s summertime vision of the school burning down. The change is necessary so that the Department of Transportation has enough time to install street signs explaining new street-cleaning regulations that will reduce “No parking” times on residential street-cleaning days from three hours to 90-minutes.

And in commercial zones, streets will be cleaned as many as six times a week, up from four or five, and at staggered half-hour cleaning schedules, said Community Board 6 District Manager Craig Hammerman, who said he has been calling for just such changes for 20 years.

“We’re the last district in New York to go from the three-hour regulation to the 90-minute regulation,” he said. “We hope that life will be made easier, that streets will remain as clean as they are, and that ultimately there will be less need for vehicular movements.”

Sanitation spokeswoman Kathy Dawkins echoed Hammerman, calling the new rules “a form of parking relief.”"

Does this apply to "Park Slope South" as well I wonder?

“It also gives improved cleaning, overall cleaning, to the commercial areas in Park Slope,” Dawkins said.

While the signs are installed — which could take a few months, Dawkins said — street cleaning will be suspended in residential zones. It will continue in commercial zones.

Later this year, the rules will go into effect in Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens, and Red Hook neighborhoods.

The new regulations will be suspended from May 19 “until further notice,” the Department of Transportation said in a statement.

The changes affect all residential streets in Park Slope from May 19 until further notice in the area bounded by Pacific Street, Flatbush Avenue, Prospect Park West, 15th Street and Fourth Avenue. For information, call 311.

A-Ha! Finally (albeit somewhat accidentally) we have been given the OFFICIAL boundries of Park Slope.

Only A Communist Would Leave Pancakes Behind

Doris Smith went downtown early Monday to see about getting tickets to Barack Obama's rally. Advance seats were sold out, she said, and the only option was to stand in line for up two hours or more and hope for the best.

Disappointed, she decided instead to go for breakfast - and walked right into Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign stop.

And so here you may see Barack Obama supporters Doris Smith and her husband, Sterling, having breakfast at Tudor's Biscuit World in Charleston, West Virginia.

In the distant left background you may also note Democratic presidential hopeful, Hillary Rodham Clinton, about to walk into Tudor's Biscuit World.

But all I see is a perfectly good and delicious plate of wasted, half-eaten pancakes.

What do you see?

Relax, Minnesota Fats.

Barack Obama shooting pool in West Virginia yesterday.

We've Finally Found A Use For The New and Improved Battery Maritime Building...

David Byrne, the former Talking Heads frontman, is going to bang on it like Einstürzende Neubauten.

The two-earth toned green Battery Maritime Building, originally built in 1909, is the city's sole remaining ferry terminal built in elaborate Beaux Arts style.

Byrne's temporary installation, "Playing the Building," will include devices attached to ceiling beams, plumbing, electrical conduits and other parts of the structure. Sound will be produced through vibration, making the building function as an instrument; a 58 million dollar instrument.

Whatever happened to Joseph Bertolozzi using mallets and dowels to play the Mid-Hudson Bridge like an instrument?

The latest photo making the rounds...

"I said Moo, motherfucker"

Grand Mal, the rapper

Back in the day my rap name was Cool Wip. Now and then I come up with other names that I think would be cooler.

I always thought Big Lots! would make for a dope rape alias.

Today I came up with another: Grand Mal, as in grand mal seizure. What do u think?

YO, this is Grand Mal. What up?

It's Grand mal, the tonic, the clonic
Making mad noise like Youth Sonic
Loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions
I get on the mic and I make it happen
Abnormal electrical activity throughout the brain
When you hear my name you think of pain
Grand mal seizure be affectin' all ages
I'm a tiger in a zoo bustin out of mad cages
The Tonic phase - Loss of consciousness as your muscles contract
The Clonic phase - The muscles get rhythmic flex then relax

HOLLA!

OK. What the fuck is a Superdelegate?

I did my best trying to find an answer that made sense and wasn't rife with double talk bullshit. It was a tall order.

Here's what I gleaned: After the primary elections the Republican and Democratic parties each hold a National convention. Picture a big televised party that you'd never wanna go to because everyone there is full of shit.

Well, at this convention the person who will represent the party and run in the Presidential election is nominated. Part of this nomination is determined by delegates, who represent the number of votes won at primaries or caucuses through the primary period. Each delegate is a representation of the popular vote for each district. The popular vote is simply the result of the votes from people like you and me. The winner of the popular vote usually wins the election (but not always - sometimes the outcome of the vote of the Electoral College is different - which is separate can of worms. The Electoral College are a group of people who formally elect the president, however their vote happens after the popular vote. To become president, a candidate must get more than half of the Electoral College votes which 270 out of 538 total votes. But lets not get into the intricacies and inconsistencies of democracy now, k?

So, the superdelegate is an elected official in the Democratic Party who gets to cast an individual vote for his/her candidate of choice not based on the votes of citizens.

Many people feel that the appointment of superdelegate candidates, and/or their sheer existence is not in keeping with the democratic ideals of election.

Superdelegates can controvert the will of the people in a close election, and they do not have to make their choice based on popular vote. Other factors like personal relationships, political alignments, or simply like or dislike of a person may inform the choice of a superdelegate. People often criticize this process of nomination because it does not fully represent the will of the people.
So basically superdelegates are people with minds of their own whereas delegates are simply instruments of their affiliated party. Got it?

However term "superdelegate" itself was used originally as a criticism of unpledged delegates. Arguments were made that these delegates, who would be predominantly white and male, would have more power than other delegates because of their greater freedom to vote as they wish.

At the 2008 Democratic National Convention the superdelegates will make up approximately 1/5th of the total number of delegates. The closeness of the race between Hillary and Obama, has increased the chance that the superdelegates will play a decisive role in selecting the nominee, a prospect that has caused unease among some Democratic Party leaders.

Honestly, I still have no fucking clue what a Superdelegate is.

Oh, Sue

Displaying Calories Is Unconstitutional

We took mum to Coney Island on Sunday. Had a round at Ruby’s and cruised the boardwalk.

The sun was finally peering out when we stopped at Nathan’s but before any of us could say "large fries" we noticed the new prominently displayed calorie information next to each item!

It seems Nathan’s has wasted no time getting started now that the city requires all chain restaurants to display their calorie info.

Undeterred I fearlessly ordered a large fries with a diet coke and lived to see another day.

Of Course She Wants A Famous Blue Raincoat

“Its four in the morning,
the end of december
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New york is cold, but I like where I'm living
Theres music on Clinton street all through the evening.”

“The trouble with that song is that I've forgotten the actual triangle. Whether it was my own … of course. I always felt that there was an invisible male seducing the woman I was with, now whether this one was incarnate or merely imaginary I don't remember, I've always had the sense that either I've been that figure in relation to another couple or there'd been a figure like that in relation to my marriage. I don't quite remember but I did have this feeling that there was always a third party, sometimes me, sometimes another man, sometimes another woman.

I had a good raincoat then, a Burberry I got in London in 1959. Elizabeth thought I looked like a spider in it. That was probably why she wouldn't go to Greece with me. It hung more heroically when I took out the lining, and achieved glory when the frayed sleeves were repaired with a little leather. Things were clear. I knew how to dress in those days. It was stolen from Marianne's loft in New York sometime during the early seventies. I wasn't wearing it very much toward the end.”

Why Madonna and not Cyndi Lauper?

They both have similar backgrounds, upbringings and tales of the early years... So where did Cyndi go wrong and where did Madonna go right? Anyone care to speculate?

I mean, don't get me wrong, Cyndi was a household name in the mid-eighties and remains a respected Grammy Award-winning singer, songwriter, and an Emmy Award-winning film, television and theater actress... but why Madonna and not Cyndi Lauper? Was it because Madonna became a chameleon and changed with the times and Cyndi stayed the same?

Lauper was neck and neck with Madonna in terms of popularity and infectious pop anthems, and the fact that "Material Girl" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" came out in the same year made the ushering in of a new generation of pop stars and hits all too clear and simple. Trouble is, throughout her career Lauper has never even come close to the success of her debut, whereas 20 years on, Madonna continues to be, well, Madonna.

In 1983 Cyndi's "She's So Unusual" exploded and shot to #4 on the Billboard pop charts where it stayed in the top 40 for sixty-five weeks. All told it remained on the charts for 172 weeks and Cyndi became the first artist in history to have 4 top-five singles released from one album.

Lauper became popular with teenagers and critics, in part due to her hybrid punk image and with a series of quirky videos, Lauper dominated MTV for several months. Her bizarre fashion, consisting of multiple layers of thrift store clothing and dozens of accessories, influenced fashion for the last half of the 1980's. Hmmm...

I rummaged the web to find any mentions of Cyndi from Madonna and vice versa but didn't come up with much.

A Madonna fan site I stumbled upon said "I cannot think of any interview where Madonna mentions Cyndi