31 October 2008

Halloween Memoirs

When I was a punk kid Halloween meant the smell of eggs and shaving cream. We'd go "bombing". Finast wouldn't sell you eggs if you were a kid and then there was the urban legend of the evil posse of kids who'd put Nair in their eggs and all your hair would fall out or instead of using regular shaving cream, they'd use Nair cream. Everyone had a story about that which never actually happened yet the fear was still quite tangible. It was sort of like that story that made the rounds of the kid who took too much acid and started to think he was a pitcher of orange juice. Yeah, never happened.

We used to melt and manipulate the plastic caps on the Barbasol cans so the shaving cream would spray with the consistency of silly string. It was such a mess. I remember one year we realised if you threw flashbulbs they'd explode on impact like lighters and fluorescent lightbulbs. So we'd buy a pack of flashbulbs for those 110 cameras and we'd throw them like idiots. It was truly retarded. I don't even know how it all started but I can remember the anticipation of that day; getting all your supplies ready the weeks before because as it got closer and closer to October 31 the shelves of Morris would be cleaned out; no shaving cream, nothing. That's when you knew, it was on; it was war. Other kids in the hood were obviously stockpiling, too.

You'd take the B16 to school and it would get pelted with eggs the whole way there and the whole way home. The sound was hysterical. And the old ladies would recoil in horror and then shake their heads in disgust and talk amongst themselves. The kids old enough to drive would cruise around and throw eggs at everyone waiting for the bus or walking home. For an afternoon into the evening, it was total mayhem. You felt alive; afraid and alive.

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30 October 2008

Pandas Surviving Earthquake on Show

so cute i wanna puke

Watch more AOL News videos on AOL Video

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The skull and bones cufflinks betrayed me. I was at the far end of the bar when she arrived. She didn't walk so much as she floated. And she didn't so much float as she somewhat swirled like smoke from a Nat Sherman with lipstick on the kiss. She billowed into the room like a curtain on an October Sunday. I looked up immediately. I didn't see her so much as I sensed her. Knew she was there. Knew she'd arrived. I was all tortoiseshell and topcoat. She was all Tudor; green and white, bright face, artists hands, sleepy, all-knowing eyes betrayed her coy little girl smile. She made that perfectly quilted Brooks Brothers field coat look like a motorcycle jacket. That's just what she did to stuff. When she wore a tie she looked dangerous. But she didn't know it. Like she truly had no idea how hot she was. How alluring. How mysterious. All brass snaps and Bemberg. Front patch pockets with suede trim. Hands that walked a mile with eyes that had traveled the world but a face like a little girl playing in the grass not far from Democracy Boulevard. But what did I know? I couldn't tell you Burning Tree Country Club from Kenwood. I was lost in her hair, her stare, her here, her there, her everywhere. We kissed in Tenleytown. Made love near McLean. By the time we got to Adams Morgan we were married. Had kids near Barnaby Woods. It was postcard perfect. Fuck was I glad I'd worn those cufflinks that day. But that's only the beginning. If you really wanna know the story, I'd have to tell you about the umbrella that changed my life. Maybe some other time. I gotta run...

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29 October 2008

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26 October 2008

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24 October 2008

Let the Earl Gray steep a bit longer. I heard the paper land on the porch. I heard the leaves crunch under the paperboys Red Wings. I heard the car take the corner hard and then skid over the hidden bump further down the block. Kiss her on the forehead and roll over once more. The sunlight can wait another hour. Draw the shades. Crank the Sibelius. The grass grows slowly now. Everythings on a dimmer. Suddenly I'm looking out over a giant backyard in the Syracuse suburbs near University Hill. I'm inside a soaring colonial where the old wood groans and the service stairs to the kitchen are painted white. There were rooms everywhere like a maze. This was where I first decided how I wanted to grow old. Minor Threat and Mercedes. Bad Brains and Brooks Brothers. California King or in an old sleeping bag on that groaning floor. Two teas, light and sweet. She's a dog yet she's purring resting her heavy head on my thigh. Wolves howling across a neon green valley. I smell blueberry & lemon drizzle cake. The tea must be ready by now. Shall we?

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The Scent of Memory

I can still remember vividly the smell of these masks. The plastic.



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something weird just happened
i was in this store near my office
and i felt this crazy cold wind
no idea where it came from
no fan nearby, no open door, no draft
just this forceful wind
and now i'm back upstairs at my desk and i'm seeing circles
weird rainbow circles like stains from a coffee cup on a table
like when you've just come in from the snow
i hope it goes away soon
i hope its not keratitis or something
maybe its niphablepsia?
or a ghost?

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Based On A True Story

Bordering England to its east, and the Atlantic to its west. O sweet, sweet Wales. The candy of Caerdydd. Holding hands near Bryn Celli Ddu we exhaled into cupped hands on after dinner hooded sweatshirt walks. Cigarette in one hand like an old Chanel ad. Black and white and high on love rolling down the lowlands. Green grass and gray skies. Just like dad loved. Now she soars over Dolwyddelan's Castle like mother hawk watching over one of the valley routes into Gwynedd. I rip open her blouse and her heart reads "Remember Tryweryn". She buries her cold nose into my neck and says I remind her of St. David's Cathedral.

"I can honestly say I've never been", I squint. I smell rain.
"Let's listen to some Gwyn and take a nap", she purrs.
She's talking about Gwyneth Jones, the soprano. But before the nap we've gotta get back to the flat. We're in the middle of nowhere, for goddsake. But fuck, a nap sounds great right now. I'll make a nest out of her earlobes and burrow.

Next thing you know we're on the motorway. Just me, her and the trusty M4. We're in an old BMW. It'll do. She's all Tudor colours: green and white. Like Benetton. A classic. Few can still pull it off, but she, she wears her cashmere like she's riding on the back of a Vespa near the coast of Treviso sans helmet. Silk scarf. Waves foam like soap. Classic smells like leather, smoke, fire and rope.
"Charlemagne!", she shouts in my ear.

"Fastradaaaaaa!!!", I scream as we roar down the M4 and it starts to pour.

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23 October 2008

Pass the Dirt


Stomach contents of an inmate with pica - those are nails

People diagnosed with pica have an insatiable urge to eat non-food substances like dirt, paper, glue and clay, but symptoms need to persist for at least one month to warrant a pica diagnosis. While there isn't a definitive reason why this abnormal eating occurs, researchers believe a lack of certain nutrients, such as iron and zinc, can trigger cravings. As a result, people suffering from pica are generally treated for a nutritional deficiency.

The condition's name comes from the Latin word for magpie, a bird which is reputed to eat almost anything. Pica is seen in all ages, particularly in pregnant women and small children, especially among children who are developmentally disabled, where it is the most common eating disorder.

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67-year-old Daniel Mills took his own life Sunday by jumping off the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in New York City, a bridge which he once helped build as an ironworker during the 1960s. Late last week, he was told by doctors that he was terminally ill.

Mills, the owner of Farrell's Bar and Grill in Brooklyn, never told anyone in his family about the grim prognosis. Wife Maureen, 43, said: "He was in a lot of pain. He thought he was doing right by us."

Firefighters, cops and journalists alike poured into his establishment to note his passing. His sharp wit and exuberant persona "made everyone feel special. He could light up a room. He could make a party come alive," said his son Daniel.

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Molto Botta





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Spam of the Day: Big Wet Butts

-----Original Message-----
From: lennard rfs eoneg@sek.tk
To: x
Sent: Thu, 23 Oct 2008 4:54 am
Subject: Big Wet Butts

Cute Paige Has Sex in the Locker Room at School!!

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22 October 2008

"Wit is the voice of style."

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18 October 2008

Why do our teeth chatter when we're cold?

I've always wondered. So I did some research. Turns out our teeth chatter when we're cold for the same reasons we sweat when we're hot: thermoregulation.

Basically, whenever the brain senses a dramatic change in body temperature it will either signal our muscles to move to generate more heat to warm our body or sweat to cool off in order to maintain homeostasis.

But while we might cup our hands and exhale into them, rub or arms or jump around to generate some warmth, the teeth chattering is involuntary. The teeth chattering is actually due to the muscles of your face contracting to generate heat in order to keep your head warm. So basically our teeth chatter because when the brain realizes you're cold it will send a signal to your muscles to start moving to produce heat. The same way you sweat when you are hot because the body is trying to cool off. The brain - the hypothalamus, to be more specific, monitors your temperature and does what its gotta do to keep you at 98.6

This is the body's natural defense to hypothermia. When your teeth chatter, your teeth aren't the ones that are in control. Your periodontal and masseter muscles are being stimulated by your sympathetic nervous system to quiver or create heat. This is the body's natural mechanism to create heat (as the muscles quiver this creates friction inbetween the muscle cells, thus causing heat).

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16 October 2008

http://thechaistory.blogspot.com/

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14 October 2008

Rusty

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Most Precious Whisky?

"You and a guest are cordially invited to join us for a tasting of the World’s Most Precious Whisky - The Macallan. At this private event, you’ll discover the heritage and tradition of several of The Macallan’s finest single malts. We look forward to sharing an evening with you."

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So I had heartburn yesterday so I decided I needed a small vanilla milkshake. In Midtown? Whereto? Why, McDonalds of course!

I walk up to the guy,

"One small vanilla milkshake, please."
He sort of rolls his eyes around like he's thinking real hard, sucks his teeth, closes his eyes. Literally 4 seconds pass. I'm waiting... waiting... finally he spits it out,

"Uh... yeah... we ain't got no vanilla milkshakes today, uh, they coming out, like, a little chocolaty."

I turned around and walked out. Wow. Total Jedi Mind tricks. Ever deal with someone so dumb they just leave you speechless and numb?

*Insult to injury: Snow Patrol was playing on the McDonalds PA. Kill me.

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Rest in Peace, Alexei



Before the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils faced off tonight at Madison Square Garden, a moment of silence was observed for Alexei Cherepanov.

Cherepanov, a Rangers first-round draft pick in 2007, died after collapsing during a Continental Hockey League game in Moscow last night. He was 19.

The Ice Hockey Center 2004, is a small arena in Chekhov that holds 3,300. Chekhov is a city with a population of 72,000, about 40 miles south of Moscow.

Former Rangers Captain Jaromir Jagr, a teammate on the Avangard Omsk, was with Cherepanov when he collapsed.


Alexei at the Mermaid Parade

Although few details were immediately available, the Associated Press quoted Cherepanov's agent, Jay Grossman:

"He was skating in on a 2-on-1 with Jaromir and then they came back to the bench. Jaromir was talking to him and he told him he has to score on that play. The next thing you know, he collapsed. [Jagr] went with him into the dressing room area and they revived him for some time and then he didn’t make it."
Although it is not yet known what caused Cherepanov's death, the first thought that came to mind was Hank Gathers, whose sudden death in 1990 during a college basketball game left people stunned and shaken. He was 23, and the cause of death was said to be related to a heart disorder.

Then there was Reggie Lewis of the Boston Celtics, Thomas Herrion of the San Francisco 49ers, Jason Collier of the Atlanta Hawks, former major league pitcher Joe Kennedy and Olympic marathon hopeful Ryan Shay -- all died in their 20s of heart-related complications. Like Gathers, Lewis, Herrion and Shay were were undergoing, or had just completed, physical exertion.

The most sobering thought: According to the latest medical statistics, sudden cardiac arrest is still the leading cause of death among young athletes, claiming a young life in this country every three or four days.

The Rangers selected Cherepanov with the 17th pick in the draft last year. He had been expected to go higher, but teams reportedly shied away from picking him because of the eroding relationship between the N.H.L. and the Russian leagues, which has become a barrier to signing some drafted players. Rangers management had been trying to work out a deal with Cherepanov’s team, Avangard Omsk of the Continental league, for him to join the Rangers this year. There was no agreement, so Cherepanov was going to spend at least this season in Russia.

“It doesn’t appear there was a triggering event,” said Grossman, who said he spoke to other players in the game as well as people attending it. “Obviously it was his heart that just gave way. That is pretty clear.”

The crowd was apparently unaware of the seriousness of Cherepanov’s condition, and the game resumed after he was moved from the bench after collapsing. A reporter doing a minute-by-minute account of the game for the Web site sportbox.ru noted only that “someone on the Avangard bench is unconscious or ill” and that it was an “incomprehensible situation — a player simply cannot get up from the bench.”

One of the nicest stories I heard was when Alexei was 12 years old he left his hometown, moved to Omsk because he wanted to become a hockey player.


Alexei Cherepanov, R.I.P.

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"Potvin sucks!"

On February 25, 1979, in a game between the Rangers and Islanders, Denis Potvin of the Islanders delivered a hip check to Rangers' center Ulf Nilsson. Nilsson suffered a broken ankle on the play, which sidelined him for the remainder of the season.

The play was generally regarded as clean. Rangers coach Fred Shero said of the hit, "It was a hard check, but you can't penalize a guy for hitting hard."Regardless, Rangers fans never forgave Potvin for it and created the "Potvin sucks" chant, wherein they punctuate the song "Let's Go Band" with "Potvin sucks!".

Initially, the fans responded when the song was played on the Garden organ, but since the mid-1980s, Garden management has refused to play it at Rangers games. As a result, the fans whistle or hum the tune themselves to set up the chant.

Rangers fans engage in the chant multiple times at every home game regardless of the opponent.

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13 October 2008

I wonder why nobody is talking about the fact that if you have a Chase account and tried to withdraw money from an ATM yesterday it mistakenly told you that your balance was zero. It was an all-day system-wide fuck up. Scary.

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12 October 2008

The Rise of Street Meat



Has everyone gone insane?!??!??!?

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11 October 2008

http://www.myspace.com/sonyakitchell

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09 October 2008

The story of The Crane Wife

"The Crane Wife" is actually an old Japanese folk tale.

While there are quite a few variations of the tale, a common version is that a poor man finds a wounded crane on his doorstep, sobbing with an arrow sticking out of its side.

The man takes the bird and nurses it back to health.

After he releases the crane, a woman appears at his doorstep with whom he falls in love and marries.

Because they need money, his wife offers to weave wondrous clothes out of silk that they can sell at the market, but only if he agrees never to watch her making them.

The husband agrees.

The couple begins to sell the clothes and live a very comfortable life, but he soon gets greedy and makes her weave them more and more. Even though he soon realizes the more she weaves, the more ill she becomes.

He eventually peeks in to see what she is doing to make the silk she weaves so desirable.

He is shocked to discover that at the loom is a crane plucking feathers from her own body and weaving them into the loom.

Seeing him, the crane flies away and never returns.

The End.

The moral of the story is never walk in on a girl doing her make-up.

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The next person that says "credit crunch" is getting an elbow in the eye.

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08 October 2008

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05 October 2008

Lost in the Mail


I wrote an article some time ago on the beauty and restraint of old postcards. I had read an article about a man in Boston who received a postcard from 1929, nearly 80 years after it was sent. Well, the guy in Boston read my article and was nice enough to send along a scan of the actual postcard he received some 80 years after it was sent. Click the image to enlarge.


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03 October 2008

All I wanted to do was get home by 9 last night. Did it happen? Of course not. Had my tutor until 6 and I was in the office until 8:30. Then, I couldn't catch a cab to save my life. I saw homeless guys covered in piss and beer balancing trashed bookshelves covered in rusty nails on their heads catching cabs but not me. I finally, and reluctantly as most do, hailed a Lincoln. By then it was a few minutes after 9. All I wanted was my baby, my TV, my dog, and my cheese and pickles. Told the Lincoln to put on 1010 WINS. Reception was awful. It was like listening to Deutsche Welle from Venus on a transistor radio covered in tin foil and then wrapped in a rug and stuffed in the trunk of an old Buick. He turned it down at one point to talk on his Douchetooth to his boys back in Bahariya and I freaked out. Dude had no idea where he was going. When we finally arrived he said his company normally charges $70 for a ride like this. I told him I pay $40. Always have, always will. Lincoln to Bay Ridge from Midtown, I pay $40. I gave him $45 because I knew he was gonna spend at least an hour trying to find his way back and I felt bad. Such a Libra, I. Anyway, the debate didn't live up to its hype. Palin had obviously studied up and she was OK. I still think Tina Fey does a better Palin than Palin does. Overall it was boring and sans fireworks of any kind. Biden came off as the wise, old, white-haired Senator and Palin came off as the yeehaw Fargo governor of Alaska. Yawn. Gwen Ifill's outfit was hideous. That jacket was obviously from the sale rack at Chico's. It was atrocious. Overall, I gave the whole thing a big, fat yawn. So there.

Brilliant...
See: Diagramming SarahCan Palin's sentences stand up to a grammarian? {who but Slate?}

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Let Me Get That For Ya There


Ever the mom, Sarah helps Joe with a loose thread on his suit.

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Weldon Jonathan Irvine, Jr.



Weldon Jonathan Irvine, Jr. The name looms large in the pantheon of jazz-funk, profoundly influencing the subsequent generations of hip-hop artists for whom he served as collaborator and mentor. He even gave piano lessons to Q-Tip and Common. He was a composer, a playwright, a poet, a pianist and an organist.

He served as the bandleader for jazz singer Nina Simone (you know, Little Girl Blue, "My Baby Just Cares for Me", the old commercial for Chanel No. 5). Irvine himself wrote over 500 songs over the course of his storied career, including the lyrics for "To Be Young, Gifted, and Black". It became the official Civil Rights anthem. Not to mention covered by everyone from Aretha Franklin to Stevie Wonder.

His recording career fell by the wayside in the 80's and he did not headline a new LP for another 15 years. In that time his work was rediscovered and praised by a growing number of politically minded young rappers, namely - BDP, A Tribe Called Quest, and Leaders of the New School.

Unlike many artists of his generation, Irvine embraced these upstarts in turn, in 1994 recording the hip-hop-inspired "Music Is the Key" for the indie label Luv'N'Haight. Three years later he cut "Spoken Melodies", even rapping himself under the name Master Wel, and that same year lent keyboard and string arrangements to Mos Def's "Black on Both Sides" record.

Then, on the night of April 9, 2002, Irvine committed suicide. He shot himself with a rifle on the lawn outside the EAB Plaza and on Hempstead Turnpike, just west of the Meadowbrook Parkway and across from Nassau Coliseum.

Irvine's last major project was "The Price of Freedom" in 99 which was a compilation of new songs by black artists to respond to the shooting of Amadou Diallo. Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and Q-Tip all helped out.

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01 October 2008

When times get tough on Wall Street...

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