15 July 2007

"Women prefer brawny guys over scrawny guys"...
"Boys play more violent video games than girls"...
"Too much girl talk could be bad"...
"Kids who watch too much TV don't get as much homework done as kids who don't watch TV"...

These are 3 actual studies I either read or heard about over the past two days. Who the F funds these studies?! They seem about as scientific and relevant as questions on the Family Feud. I wanna know who sits down and decides these are the questions which need to be answered?! I don't get it. Perplexed, again: I.

Also, what is the deal with eating and strip clubs? A lot of clubs boast their killer steaks and buffet menus along with Tanya Topps and Misty Mountains or whatever. I like food and I like girls but that doesn't mean I want the two together. I guess its a stereotypical guy thing; getting all their guilty pleasures, all their vices in one room: "the game" on a giant flat screen, hot girls and pork chops. Fair enough, but a lot of strip clubs offer the food thing and most strip clubs are pretty nasty. They're not all first-class establishments.

Do I wanna eat instant mashed potatoes over a Sterno while I watch a girl I went to junior high school with writhing around on stage like a lost garden snake? Answer: No.

In fact, the idea of eating in some of these seedy huts really grosses me out. Keep your food out of my sex and vice versa. If I wanna go look at a fake boob, maybe I'll have a drink, but I don't want lobster tails and steaks and roasted potatoes au poivre with my T & A.

Naked, anfractuous women who've been dancing for 7 hours; men in heat, hot under their collars and ogling and now you want me to enjoy a steak, medium rare ?!

There is so much sex and lust in the air, you can cut it with a knife; so I'll use my steak knife to cut the air and that's all. I'll eat later, after I'm done ogling and mentally groping.

This got me thinking of Hooters. I think I may've mentioned before that I used to work in a building that had a Hooters downstairs; so we were there fairly often, treating it like a diner really. There wasn't much else nearby and the food actually isn't half bad - I realise this is like saying you read Playboy for the articles but its the truth - I usually ordered the grilled cheese or a salad which I'm sure they had to dust off when I ordered it.

Me: "I'll just have the garden salad"
Her: "Salad? We have salad on that menu?! Can you show me where..."

Anyway, Hooters is the most shameless and gratuitous spot there is. They objectify women, show the games and sell hot wings and they make no excuses. Ok, fine. But, since this spot is basically built around hot chix taking your order, who the F decided on their outfits?

Here we've built a company around turning girls into objects, hot wings and football, but the uniforms they decided on are the most un-sexy thing, ever.

Pantyhose?! Orange Bruce Jenner shorts?! Big scrunchy wool socks and white sneakers over said pantyhose?! This is hot?!!

It's like "OK, you guys can have a restaurant where its all about being a caveman, but here's the catch: you've gotta make the hot chix as un-hot as humanly possible." It's like a loophole or some sort of tax preventing it from being "perfect".

The Hooters waitresses always look better when they're coming or going in their regular clothes. Once they go in the back and change into their Super Waitress outfit, all the hotness leaves the building. It's a real enigma. I just don't get it.

And lastly, remember that Russian spy who was poisoned by, well, by the Russians? They think the polonium was sprayed into some green tea he was drinking. Wow.

OK, my dog just kicked me in the ribs, I guess its time to go.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think the marriage of food and strip joints is about as classy as Charles and Di's wedding. Whenever I have to plan a corporate event I leave it in the capable hands of the VIP club on 21st.

They bring out trays of Sushi for all the good folks at work and make sure that the talent is especially nice to the female employees, keeping those messy sexual harassment suits away from me. And if the broads still don't like it they have 42" plasmas and a 1 in 9 chance that Derek Jeter will be onscreen to cheer them up.

Thanks Sammy Z.