I just took a drug test

I just got back from my first drug test in many moons. I had to write down everything I'd eaten and any drugs I'd taken in the past 12 hours... haha... Nurse, I think I'm gonna need some more paper...

Coincidentally, I'd done some celebrating last night so the manifest of what I'd put into my system over the past 12 hours read like an autopsy of a drunken sailor on a one night furlough, a suicidal socialite or a bipolar author on a cry-for-help binge - only because, as you'll learn, I end my hedonistic night of Asti, ice cream and sausage with some vitamins. Oh, how utterly 90's of me!

Filling out their form detailing what was in my system, I sort of felt like Richard Dreyfuss making a list of what he'd found in Jaws' belly, except I hadn't eaten any license plates or surfboards.

There was lots and lots of coffee, some Häagen-Dazs, some faux-sausage and peppers (the peppers were real), there was a bottle of Asti... Oh, and I also had to write down all the drugs and vitamins I take or have taken which was a litany of paranoia: multivitamins, detox-oxygen pills, herbal remedies, green tea capsules and of course, psychotropics.

There was enough good times in my gut to throw a decent party or at least a few good chapters of a Bret Easton Ellis novel, and I wouldn't wish to live my life any other way.

Before I left I asked, "What do I do now? Just hope I don't hear from you?" and the nurse smiled and replied, "Yes" to which I said "OK then, talk to you soon!" but she didn't get it.

Peace out.