I'm simply tired of it. The day "Puck" appeared on The Real World and stuck his grody fingers in Pedro's peanut butter was the day it went too far. Bike messengers are a cult, I get it, but its played out. Time to move on. Time for you all to stop dressing alike. Enough is enough, or as the French say assez est assez. I've realised some dudes just dress like bike messengers. It's become a fucking look!
We've got the fixed-gear bikes, no cables, no brakes with the sprocket screwed directly on to the hub, one leg rolled up with a dirty gray wool or brown business sock. Bearded, oft bespectaled with the gignatic single strap Manhattan Portage monstrosity wrapped across their chest with all sorts of spelunking gear dangling from every loop, a cell phone, maybe a 2-way radio, some sort of granola or protein bar, a few mountain climbing carabiners... They look like "Solid Snake" from Metal Gear!
Are you delivering documents around midtown or are you on a mission into the hostile nation of Outer Heaven?
Fixed-gear bikes have a place among the shitty hipster icons of mesh hats and PBR. Their urban cool has attracted the attention of mainstream marketers: Puma created an online guides to "fixies", and Ford featured them in a Lincoln Navigator advert.
I'm not sure why I'm so adverse to it, truly. Its punk, its cool, whatever. But I think maybe its a little bit too St. Mark's trust-fund-crustpunk-cum-Kent McLard for my liking and the fact that a lot of these dudes aren't even messengers! Why the FUCK would you dress like that otherwise?!
I used to bounce at this bar where one night a week all these ham and eggers would come with their gray wool socks and pants rolled up. I used to think to myself "Is this the modern day biker gang? Is this what it has come down to!?"
Instead of a bunch of maniacs roaring up on Harley Sportster's in leather jackets and bandanas, we've got these 100-lb. "freegans" scooting up on 10-speeds with backpacks and cell phones.
Times have changed, for the worse.